Moment are precious because they only happen once,
so cherish each one as you would the last one.
Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.
Percy Byshe Shelley
Life is lived in the present.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is yet be.
Today Is The Miracle
Transition of My Beloved Soul Mate "Rex"
How I Learned Impeccable Vulnerability...
My life took a sharp curve on the night of March 28th an unexpected event that has transformed me in so many ways. As I look back I see that my Soul knew what was to come and on some level had been preparing me, but my personality was not able to look at the coming change, nor ready to accept it.
But the time had come and my beloved husband and Soul mate made his transition. He went while I was lovingly massaging his feet. My immediate reaction was disbelief and wanting to believe he was just sleeping, but a place deep inside knew to call in the Angelic forces to open the light for him. When I did that I became very calm on one level but my personality wanted to believe that he was just sleeping since he was breathing, snoring and had a pulse. I calmly watched him from about 10:30 PM to 2AM and just passed out. I woke suddenly around 6AM to the sound of pouring rain and went to check on him. He had stopped breathing and I became hysterical. My first reaction was to call 911 and do CPR.
The first to arrive was a fireman that I knew and they tried to revive him, but that was not to be. He was only 46 years old and in fair health. All I could think was that I murdered him because I didn’t call earlier when he suddenly fell asleep and would not wake. The police, fireman and medical examiner where incredibly compassionate and assuring that I had nothing to do with his death. My personality was in shock but my Soul was able to direct me through the day handling the ordeal.
I was able to do what was needed to be done and the timing flowed with perfection. Which is quite amusing if you knew my beloved Rex, I always said he was like a salmon swimming upstream. He was a dam builder, a civil engineer and true to his profession chose to look at life as a problem needing a solution.
That same day while in the shower I asked or demanded that Spirit tell me why he had left and why I didn’t see this coming. I told my Spirit guides and Angels that they needed to surround me with a strong bond and give me very clear guidance in order to get me through this. I just wasn’t open to their usual humorous responses at that moment.
Well my demands were heard and answered in an equally loud voice in my head saying: "Your work is just beginning and He just went over to the other side to help you and he will be back in contact soon." That gave me tremendous peace and comfort. This message has been retold to me many times through different channels in the last few months and has been instrumental in my healing process.
It was a surreal day for sure. Some moments I felt at peace and filled with a knowing that this is exactly what he chose and at other moments my brain could not function. When I detoured down the path of blaming myself for his death and thinking I had murdered him because I gave him an aspirin earlier, or down the path of --- What If I had called EMS when he first fell asleep.
My mind would just shut down and I could not remember what I was doing or saying. Then the next moment I would be replaying a conversation we had two weeks earlier about what if we were ever in a coma. My answer was --- "to wait for me and know that I could come back and -- don’t pull the plug" --- his was to pull the plug --- immediately!
I kept going over this conversation and felt as if he has some premonition. Then their was the conversation the night before about him launching his web page and doing press releases that said he was dead. Which I replied was in poor taste since my mother was in the process of her transition. Why would he say these things? I would ask myself over and over again.
As the day wore on and family and friends were calling in disbelief, shock, grief, and sympathy. I started to get a notion that Yes I did see this coming but my personality would not accept that he was going. I had seen something two weeks earlier when I called his father asking him to confront Rex on his bizarre behavior.
He was so euphoric and had this vision of creating a web page for creating the Republic of Austin, uniting engineers around the world into a data base, try to encourage experienced engineers to become mentors for aspiring engineers and magnifying the need to become more committed to being green minded. The strange part was that he believed this group would unite and suddenly become dedicated stewards of the land and resources and learn to use technology for a means to achieve growth that was harmonious with all living things. He saw this vision and just totally believed it was possible.
My reply was –"not on this plane it wasn’t going to happen, and not any time soon." He just wasn’t factoring in human nature! He was so convinced and emphatic that it could be so. I felt he was losing touch with reality. He argued that one till the end.
In hindsight I see that he was already on the other side working and creating his vision of heaven or is it the Eden to come. One of the last things he said to me and the most profound thing that I hear over and over is "I can’t be responsible for your fears Deborah" I said "your right Rex you really can’t be." Now, when I begin or get into a fearful state ---I ask myself why do I need to carry the fear either. I open to a greater possibility and the fear is overcome with options.
Back to that afternoon a very close friend Jaime, called to tell me about this wonderful, vivid and very intense experience she had that night. I thought she called because she had intuitively known what had happen and asked her "do you know what happen?"
She said "yes" and launched into this amazingly detailed account of what had happen to her. She was traveling in her etheric body with a man that touched her heart and she loved on a deep soul level. T hey spent the night flying over Australia and sat watching the sun rise. He then said it was time for him to leave and invited her to come and see him play in the Hounds-Tooth band. She then told me about getting on the web and searching all over Oz to find out were he was and just knew she had to hook up with him again.
When she finished her story I said "you know that was Rex you were with, and that he had passed over in the night." When I said that she knew it to be the truth.
I always teased Rex about being a card caring chi-wa-wa, which is an insider joke. Most people including myself would confuse him with our dog, calling him Cosmos and the dog Rex, they were interchangeable at times.
At first many of our friends thought I was saying that the dog had died because they just could not believe or understand how it could be the other way around. When she said the band’s name I knew that was Rex playing in his cosmic band. His brother lived in Oz so I guess he was looking to say goodbye to him. His first message had arrived. He was telling me that he was happily embarking on his journey to the beyond and we would still be able to communicate.
The next day I was on the phone with my friend Melinda and we were going over the last time she had seen him and how bizarre his behavior was. He was so euphoric talking about this vision of life and how frustrated we were trying to communicate with him. He just wasn’t making sense and I just said to him "I love you sweetheart but I can’t deal with your frenzy energy right now." He was trying so hard to articulate but it was like he was speaking another language.
As he was leaving we hugged and he looked deep into my eyes as he sweetly kissed me, he said to me "go to my page and click on the spinning GAIA image." "I made it link to your page because you are my GAIA goddess." It was such a beautiful heartfelt statement that flooded my heart with total unconditional love that is felt when embraced by a true soulmate. T hat moment touched me so deeply and I could feel the immense amount of love that he truly felt for me. Even now I can go back to that moment and feel my heart being filled with his love.
I know what it feels like to be loved and I am so blessed to have had the experience. So many people go through life always looking for love because they feel unworthy to have it or unable to open and be in that vulnerable state which allows for such a tremendous force to flow through one’s total being. Only when we let our walls and amour down and stand in the light of trust can unconditional love fill us.
One moment I am filled with this remembrance of his love and the next I am sliding down the mountain into the tar pit of guilt. As I am falling another call comes in and I switch over to it. This stranger calling from California just gushes forth all this praise and enthusiasm about my forth coming book. How it touched her life and just knew it was filled with transformational wisdom. I was dumb struck and could only softly utter "my husband just passed away."
In her next breath she said "our teachers had to leave us at some point in order for us to be able fulfill our mission and purpose." This was an Angelic message, such a perfect statement at the perfect moment. I felt my heart being lifted up again to the top of the mountain. I thanked her and promised to call when things settled down and would be able to talk about the book.
The next day my friend Cat called to give me a message from Rex. He had come to her in a dream giving her three symbols for me to interpret. I knew exactly what book of his to find the meaning in and it was so perfect.
In the dream he first brought her six cups of coffee --- which he was asking me to let go of physical need and go to spiritual love with him and from there will bring spiritual rewards.
He leaves and goes and gets two more cups of coffee --- telling me that he was bring people together through expressions of Divine love and that his self-love was becoming universal love. Telling me that he was manifesting his vision on that plane.
We were both right. It was possible -- just not on this plane.
He runs off again for more coffee and Cat is telling him no more but he has to get the most important part of the message to me and returns with 5 more cups of coffee --- He was awakening to the presence of Divine Love. Expanding consciousness. I could hear him say "Deb you know and always said how wonderful it would be!"
He was able to carry his consciousness from this life intact into the next. WOW!!! I then begin to understand the service I had rendered. The first thing that I did when he fell asleep was to call in the Angels and Brotherhood to open the light and be there to guide him through, and by not calling EMS allowed him to gently and naturally disengage from his physical form and hold his consciousness at the same time. I was guided by my spirit to react with love that allowed him the space to gently go through the portal, and accept that this was his choice -- and in his Divine Right Timing to make this transition.
I could have let my personality’s will taken control and called EMS because I could not face being abandoned and he probably would not have been able to have hold his consciousness through the transition. I could have chosen the nightmare of hooking him up to life support machines because I was too afraid of being left behind. That choice would have meant that I didn’t walk the path of knowing that there is life beyond this reality.
My Soul was in command of the situation and didn’t allow my little ego will to control or create a karmic debt to Rex by trying to force him to stay here. I surrendered my fear and let him go peacefully onto his next existence. I now understand that the choice I made was because I loved him so much and so unconditionally.
When we got the medical examiners report he departed by means of a ruptured blood vessel in the brain. I believe he just went to light and his physical body could not handle the vibrational frequency of so much joy and bliss.
I not exactly sure how many days after his passing but in the first week I was shown a vision. I saw what I thought was Rex’s personality integrate into his Soul’s Divine consciousness. Through my third eye I saw a ray of light in the form of the physical body explode into a million pieces of glittering quicksilver. I felt him say "see yah down the road."
It was so beautiful it took my breath away and filled me with sense of peace and joy and felt blessed by him sharing his ongoing journey with me. I knew then he was off to explore the cosmos. He had discovered the intelligent life that he always searched for and believed existed in the outer banks of the universe. Now he was a part of it.
I was also experiencing a heavy sense of grief because he was free of personal love and in a place of Divine love and never again will we be able to relate on that physical level. I missed him so and a part of me longed to join him. The greater whole of me loves this realm and has gained an appreciation as to how precious each moment is here. Living in form is a magnificent experience all too often taken for granted.
The physical is the domain of the personality and manifests through the will. We are so caught up wasting our true power by trying to live up to ideal standards of the consensual reality, instead of mastering the ability of welding true power that comes through integration of the personality with the Soul’s wisdom, to form a vehicle or vessel that can handle the highest octaves of love frequency to creatively express in a myriad of forms, color, sound, scent, and harmonious vibration that values and respects all forms of creation. When I see the bigger picture it allows the pain to dissipate in me. But, then again Grief Is A Time Release Capsule!
Looking in hindsight, all the signs were there that Rex was preparing for his departure. I just didn’t want to say goodbye so soon. We were at this wonderful place in our relationship. We had gone through many obstacles and made it back to each other and the future was bright indeed.
My book was going to be published, Rex had found an inner-peace and his creative passion was fired up. I had been spending a lot of time with my mother and been preoccupied with her illness and pain, and both of us were working hard to meet some mysterious deadline to get our new web sites up and running.
My one regret is that I passed up a few opportunities to go out and have more fun with Rex in his last two weeks, but it also felt that he was keeping me at arms length, and now see that he was weaning me off the physical. He was the happiest I had seen him in years. I was out of balance, working long and hard and not playing. The regret is the dear price I paid to learn the lesson to bring my life back into balance. I have adopted Rex’s philosophy to work smart, play hard and love life.
The realization that Rex ‘s joy came from his knowing that he had been handed his release papers and he would be heading home soon became a reality the night that I turned on his computer for the first time.
I thank Spirit that Zoe and Jaime sat on each side of me when the truth was revealed because the shock of it was more than I could absorb. The very last file he had uplifted to his server was titled TE_dies_heartattack.com!!! We were stunned! I always said Rex had more intuition in his little finger than me, if he would just use it.
Too much synchronisity to be denied -- his euphoria – his press release to pretend to play a joke that he was dead – his last file –his web page summing up his life – his discussion on what to do in case of a coma – his weaning me from the physical – his last e-mails declaring his love for me – him showing his depth of love for me with his spinning GAIA – His last instructions to me to overcome my fear. Without a doubt he knew and was tying up loose ends.
One of those ends was to make it clear to me that he wasn’t leaving me -- just the physical plane! He believed in me and knew I was strong enough and ready to walk my path alone. His tour of duty was over, he was reassigned to another plane or possibly a parallel universe hopefully one that is kinder and gentle than this one. He was one of a kind and suffered in silence the burden of humanity. He took personal responsibility for the trespasses of humanity, because he thought it was his duty to do so.
His farewell celebration was in true Rex form. We had his remains cremated and put in cans from his favorite tobacco, Drum. We choose 4-22-00 Earth Day the perfect date since he was born on 11-11-53 and the green day of the year --- another perfect circle.
We held this ceremony at our friends Joe and Lisa house in the country. We wanted to burn Rex’s favorite chair as a rite of passage but decided it was too toxic for Earth day and decided on making an effigy of Rex instead. We dressed him up and sat him in his favorite chair with a cold one in one hand and a hand rolled Drum cigarette in the other. Donned him in his Mardi Gras beads, a life size photo under his beaver top hat.
It was eerie! We could feel his spirit all around us and when Cosmos first saw the effigy he kept trying to put his head under his arm to be petted and then realized that it wasn’t his daddy. I just lost it at that point. Rockin Roddy Emceed the affair. People from all walks of life attended and shared their stories, poems and favorite Rex tales. Our friend Norm played some sailing music for Rex’s bon voyage. We all said farewell and lit an enormous bonfire. The fire lapped up in a phoenix form a sign from Rex that he was present and enjoying the rite. Another perfect circle because he was a Scorpio – the phoenix for sure.
We continued to toast and drink in his honor into the wee hours of the night. Only family and an inner-circle of friends were present at this time each taking a turn to speak and share how he touched our lives in so many special ways. I was the last to speak of how blessed I was to have Rex in my life for 14 years and how he transformed me.
We played Van Morrison’s – In The Garden -- our special song, everyone just naturally lined up in twos and lovingly passed Rex into the fire in a most reverently and ritualistic manner. It was like we all had done this before with each other. It was a powerful rite of passage for all who came. Cosmos had laid at Rex’s feet during the ceremony and grieved with us. This was a very healing thing for him to be included, an opportunity to say goodbye. Our two cats, Sonny and Comet, had previously spent Rex’s last night guarding over him, that was there goodbye.
Rex knew he was in love with me the first week we met but for me,--- it took longer. When I met him I was hauling around a lot of baggage defining what love was, looked like, felt like and acted like. My heart was encased in concrete and my ego will was in total control over matters of my heart. This guy loved me way too much and I just could not handle it.
At that juncture on my path all I knew was dysfunctional love. The kind that was fueled with insecurity, and could only be gotten by controlling and manipulating your partner to get your needs met. My shields were forged from emotional detachment because I was so starved for love.
If it wasn’t for my friend Paul I would have never had given Rex a chance to thaw me out. He could see how much Rex cared for me and kept on my case to give him a chance. I just didn’t want anything to do with so much love. As with most people too much love is a frightening thing. Paul convinced me to just check it out.
The guy filled all of my qualifications of the perfect mate. ( Of course at that time my list did leave out some crucial factors but that’s another story ) Here was a guy on his spiritual path, a genius, open minded, non-judgmental, secure, working, knew who he was and could listen, carry on a metaphysical discussion, be supportive, gentle, kind and a vegetarian to boot.
I clearly remember the moment that I surrendered to loving Rex. It was one of those wonderful nights spent with friends discussing the meaning of life. I think that night it was David, Lee, Debbie D., Rex and me.
Afterwards Rex came over to my cave and we were digesting the feast of knowledge and viewpoints when I had a vision. I saw Rex and me in a previous life time together. I saw him as this wise, kind and fair leader of a clan or tribe. I saw myself sitting at his feet and looking at him with total trust and love. He exuded a presence of deep caring and took personal responsibility for the security and welfare of his people. I felt as if I was a younger wife and it was my duty to care for his physical needs such as washing his feet and feeding him. I remembered how much I loved him and --- I saw that same person in front of me once again.
As I review it now I see what we were to balance. This lifetime was for him to be responsible for his own physical needs and not be responsible for the tribes and allow me to find my own security. Of course we would fall back into the old pattern --- like me trying to eat for Rex, and me looking towards him to provide the emotional support for me to live out my dreams, him feeling responsible for global conflicts and not valuing his physical body. I see it so clearly now --the issues of our relationship. Those last moments when I was rubbing his feet and he was telling me he couldn’t be responsible for my fears brought it full circle.
I don’t want to paint a picture of Rex being a Saint because he had a whole lot of Devil in him. Our Souls could harmonize but our personalities could make the sparks fly. He was my greatest teacher. I learned how to love a person in spite of their personality quirks.
Which were the instrumental catalysts for me to learn acceptance that what is right for one person’s path might not be for another, to try and be as non-judgment as I could, learn to give total allowance for a person to make painful choices and loving them as they endure the consequences, but most of all learning to love myself. I believe Rex’s purpose in my life was to encourage me to follow my dreams and do it on my terms and most importantly to just love all of my human character flaws. He saw the truth of who I am and I could look into his eyes and clearly see my own beauty and whole/I/ness. I saw so clearly his potential and goodness and would lead him back to himself whenever he was ready to take a truthful look. I never lost faith in his true self, but was purely frustrated by his contentious acts to try and validate his belief to be unworthy.
It might have looked to others as if I did, but my faith and conviction to see his truly great self was realized at the end and he saw and accepted it, and that was what he came here to do --- and so he was issued a boarding pass home.
The hardest part of these last few months has been seeing my reflection through the eyes of my friends and love ones, but it hasn’t been the whole picture only a portion, feeling as if I was in a house of mirrors. It isn’t their fault it is the reflection of the masks of the roles I play in their lives.
With Rex I stood in my truth. So I have had to go within and feel my whole self and learn not to look through the eyes of others but through my own inner-eye and heart to rebuild that foundation of peace and joy that comes with knowing yourself and loving yourself totally.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned since his passing is how to stand in vulnerability of love in the face of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. There is a difference between vulnerability born of fear and that of love. Most of the time we mistake vulnerability caused from fear as true vulnerability but it is not. We feel vulnerable because we give away our power and feel threatened that we are going to be hurt. We are the only ones that can hurt us.
If we have fear we attract it like a magnet. What vulnerability of love means is to stand up and face life without defenses in your truth. You will discover that the only way a person can react to it is with love. My losing Rex and especially after my mother left I felt so overwhelmed that their was nothing to lose, I couldn’t go any lower.
So I just stood up to what ever I feared in that non-defensive state and time and time again I was shown just how love would always win out. I stood vulnerable in the face of rejection and found acceptance, I stood in front of abandonment and found abundance, I wept in loneliness and found embracement. In my pure vulnerability strangers would just want to connect with me and share. I wish I had learn this lesson years ago!!